February through to March seem a blur to me.
The only real thing that seems to stand out is partying.
Everyone was turning 18.
Yay, let’s get drunk.
Let’s drink and absorb this magical liquid that seems to improve my mood for about an hour before I wallow in self-pity, start arguments over nothing and end my night hating myself.
I began to feel blue everyday. Then it turned very dark each morning that I woke up until feeling ‘blue’ for me was actually an improvement compared to this dark, dull grey storm that was occurring in my head.
I hated waking up. I hated going to sleep.
I didn’t want to be.
I didn’t want to do anything, I felt like I was just floating in space, kind of like an out of body experience.
Each Saturday it was someone else’s 18th birthday party at the same place, same people, same music, same thing every week.
I struggled to make it through work, somehow I did. Now I look back I really do not know how I did.
- Eat carbs to line your stomach
- Shower and tan
- Off you go to your mates house feeling like Christmas has come early with the amount of sacks of make-up you have.
- Get ready, pre-drink, take some bomb-ass selfies and go to the party.But for me, my usual routine became…muddled.
My intentions for pre-drinking were no longer to spend less money later on that night.
The intention was to get absolutely smashed that I forgot about how shit I felt about my life and myself in general.
“You’re so funny when you’re drunk”
“I love you when you’re drunk”
Positive reinforcement for drinking alcohol… and so it became a habit.
No one knew that my reason for consuming so much of this drug was to put a guard up, to make it even less obvious that something so worrying was going on inside of my brain.
My friends just saw me as the happy, silly girl having a good time.
What they didn’t see was the self-disgust I felt the next morning on why I let myself get so bad.
What they didn’t see was this happy, silly girl curled up in her bed every night crying and wishing she was no longer walking on this planet.
I was drinking every weekend, my liver was probably screaming but I was taking advantage of the fact I never got hangovers, and so I carried on.
In that moment I felt good, the music was good, I was having fun with my friends.
Then the party would end and it would hit me in the stomach and drag me back to Earth.
4 hours of fun does not make up for the way I have been feeling 24 hours a day.
Back to reality.
Wake up Sunday morning, grey skies both outside and inside of my mind.
Then you get this feeling of contemplation. You stand there and just think about life and question why you did any of the things you did.
Looking back, I do not regret drinking. I regret why I was drinking.
It wasn’t to have a good time, it was to drown out my emotions and make myself feel numb from the pain that was going on.
One thing, if anyone reading this was to take away from these posts, never try to numb your feelings.
You end up thinking things and doing things that are irrational, and do not help your situation.
Use alcohol as a way to relax, but never to drown yourself in.
It may seem like the best thing to do at the time, I have been there. And it sucks when someone tells you what to do, one thing I hate is how people tell me how to feel.
But one thing. One very important thing.
Feel your emotions.
Hit rock bottom.
Feel like the world is crashing down and going to shit.
Because then you know what it feels like to be lifted back up.
Sometimes you have to feel so bad that you know you do not want to feel like this anymore.
Don’t use alcohol to numb these feelings, it really does not help. Express your emotions.
Cry. Scream. Just feel.
When you are contemplating turning to a drink to forget the world, just think: is it worth it?
You will be back in that same situation tomorrow night, and the next, and the next.
You are going to have those days, we all will.
But we are strong.
It is stronger of you to breakdown and face up to your emotions rather than washing them out with alcohol.
And when you rise back up, because you will rise back up, you will look back and realise that you are human.
You have emotions, and you will fall.
But depression, anxiety, bipolar, any mental health disorders do not control your life.
You are in control.