Are you okay?

What’s wrong?

I was 14, same old boring day at school, preparing for my GCSEs and all that.

I remember waking up in a bad mood and thinking I obviously didn’t get enough sleep, or I must be near the time of the month, or maybe it is just the stress of all this school work.

But then this happened all the time.

Finally Friday, nearly the weekend! Bad mood. 

Saturday morning, Mum suggests shopping! Bad mood. 

Summer holidays have come around and I am going to France! Bad mood. 

That’s when I thought something was up, I felt like no matter what I could never be happy. I would always feel worse in the winter time, so I assumed maybe I had suffered from SAD or something. I’d even open up about this to my closest people.

“Don’t be silly, it isn’t depression”

No one gets depression, that’s way too dramatic. 

But this same old boring day at school was in June, the sun was shining and I was playing rounders in P.E with my friends.

I felt spaced.

People were talking about me. Saying bad things about me. Did I have something on my face? In my hair? Bad fake tan?

Everyone gathered up the equipment and headed inside. I was sad. But no one noticed. We all got changed and my friend looked at me as I put my shoes on.

‘Are you okay?’ ‘What’s wrong?’.

And then I broke down right in the middle of the changing rooms. The girls ran to hug me because that’s the automatic reaction. If somebody cries you comfort them because that is the rule. Even if you don’t care.

you're-fine---mockup.jpg

I couldn’t explain this feeling; this paranoia I had experienced when you feel like everybody is looking and judging, and you are the only one singled out. I couldn’t explain the feeling of having this dull, bleak cloud hanging over your head, making you feel as if you have something to be guilty of.

“There must be something wrong” 

“I don’t know what’s wrong. Nothing is wrong”

“Aw, maybe you’re reaching that time of the month?”

Maybe.

Or maybe this was the start of a condition that was going to completely alter my life forever, stop me from socialising, make me push my favourite people away, make me think about and do things to myself that I have only heard about in television dramas.

But probably not.

Because nobody gets depression.

That’s way too dramatic.

 

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