So it had been a few weeks. Crying here and there but not thinking anything of it.
I came home from school and got into bed. My beautiful cat came and perched on my tummy as I lay looking at the ceiling contemplating my life. As cliche as it is, when you are in that state of mind, your brain loves to make yourself question your own existence.
Why are you actually here?
What is the point? We’re all going to die someday.
Two hours passed so very quickly to be wasting more seconds of my life but so very slowly to be left alone with your thoughts for that long.
My mum returned home.
One thing that stands out in this whole situation is my relationship with her. As I will expand later on, my mum and I have never been close. She has a temper. So do I. She has views. So do I. But they’re not the same. We are so different that it makes us so similar yet we clash.
The relationship is dysfunctional.
She comes home.
“What are you doing?! Why are you just laying in bed in the dark what is wrong with you?!”
Thank you. I needed that.
I didn’t respond. My head seemed so delusional and messed up, I was in a vicious cycle. Was I like this because of factors such as her? Or did she just make it worse? It became like the chicken or the egg debate.
Eventually, when we got there, she finally saw something was wrong and we went to the doctors.
My doctor was…good.
Honestly, he scared me. Completely intimidated me.
I was meant to be going to get help yet I felt the least comfortable I had felt in a long time. I sensed urgency about him.
Tell the girl she will be alright, it’s a phase, write down your moods in a diary. Blah blah blah.
I never even thought about mental health before this all occurred, so I don’t really blame him for not thinking much about it either. It’s a shame. It shouldn’t be this way. But it is.
He told me I had a ‘hormonal imbalance‘.
It’s not depression, that’s far too drastic.
“Keep you thoughts written down and your mood levels recorded each time you have your periods”.
So, I took some tablets, Utovlan (norethisterone). I didn’t question it, to be honest I barely even remember listening to him explaining what they were even going to do. I just kept thinking why am I even here if I’m not going to be taken seriously?
Turns out the tablets help in delaying periods, and he gave them to me to try and balance my hormones during this time.
It didn’t work. Clearly.
To start with, I thought it did. I spent the rest of that and 2016 relatively happy. 2016 started off pretty bad with my best friend getting with the boy I had liked for three years, but oh well. I moved to a bigger house, decorated my room just the way I wanted it, I made so many new friends, went to many house parties, completed my GCSEs, got a two-month-long summer, got a boyfriend, and even got an unconditional offer for university.
Life was okay. Things were okay.
In general, I would say I was content. But there were days where I just could not be happy no matter what.
Those who have had any experience with mental health may know this feeling where the negative thoughts take over.
I could be at Costa with my mum, she would buy me a coffee and a croissant, and I would sit looking out the window thinking; I know I should be happy because it’s a Saturday morning, I have the whole weekend to chill and do something fun but that has to end at some point.
Have you ever felt like that?
No matter what you are doing, whatever it is, it must come to an end so what is the point of enjoying it? I could be at a One Direction concert (major die hard fan btw), yet all I would be thinking is how long it has left until it is over and the sadness will return.
I could be in Disneyland and be counting down the days until I have to go home and return to reality.
It is like a drug. Like I was addicted to thinking negatively no matter how hard I tried. What’s the point of bothering when it has to come to an end?
What is the point?
I have thought that way too much, haven’t you?
And when things seem like they’re all okay, something comes round to haunt you again. My 2016 was the misleading trailer for my movie-flop which was 2017.
New Years Day, 00:01am, Jan 1st 2017.
“This is a big year for you, you have your last year of A-Levels, you’re going to Disneyland and you’re starting university!”