Easter; spring, sun, new beginnings, fresh starts.
It was a new beginning. It a new way of life that I now will never know any difference from. A fresh start in a completely different mind, different body, a new person. A new person with all these messed up issues from my past.
I felt alone, so, so alone. I would sit in my room during this 2 week Easter break and feel like I had no one. I didn’t want to do anything but I needed to do something to get my mind off this shit feeling.
I spoke to my dad about it, but the response was your typical dismissive one.
“I don’t understand, there must a reason you feel down? Period?” (that little diamond again), “Or maybe it’s just a phase because your friends are working, you’ll be okay”.
My dread that I felt for work become uncontrollable to the point I would finish a shift and be counting down the hours until I had to go in next week. My mind would be circling whilst I lay in bed the night before, knowing I had to be up in 8 hours…now 7… now 6…
What if I get a rude customer?
What if I fuck up?
I’d be turning down extra shifts during holidays, I really did not care about the money- anything just not to put myself in that situation. It got to the point that I actually preferred going to college because it meant I didn’t have to deal with the pressure of the public, the pressure of other humans.
My auntie’s health began to decline due to her spreading cancer.
I was going through some shit with a schoolboy, letting him come in between my relationship, looking back it seems so pathetic, but this had a massive impact on my confidence and my emotions.
Then my confidence in my friendships began to deteriorate, I felt like my friends were just friends with me because they had to be, because they’d already known me and couldn’t ditch me this far into our relationship.
The paranoia was unreal.
Anyone who has been in these shows must know the absolute bitch that is paranoia. I would sit on the sofa at lunch wondering if my friends were even going to turn up, to be honest they took me for granted anyway, so this was just the cherry on top.
I would whack out my phone and start doing depression tests.
“Is depression real”
“Am I depressed?”
“Why am i sad all the time”
I would do these amateur tests and they would come out relatively bad, i.e. go get help because you seem pretty fucked up .
But I didn’t because nobody gets depression, remember? It’s just a phase isn’t it?.
So I’d go home instead and play Ed Sheeran and curl up in bed and cry.
And that was my Easter from March through to early May.
Wake up, be sad, do some college work, cry, go to the gym, shower, eat, cry, sleep.
It changes. When you wake up. Something is different. You don’t want to be there. But it’s not your usual ‘5 more minutes please’.
You really do not want to be there.
Your body does not let you get out of bed and when you do, you feel spaced, you feel like you have forgotten your routine, you feel as if you cannot make it through.
You want to give up.
You don’t want to be here.
You don’t want to die.
But you sure as hell do not want to be on this planet anymore.
I remember sitting on my bed playing The Sims 3. (another nostalgic element for me, it was the only thing calming me down).
My mum walks in.
I don’t remember what happened.
All I remember is her trying to talk to me about this situation.
She was being nice…?
And all of sudden,
I was back at the doctors.