Meant to be the start of change, the start of a new life.
And it was.
For the wrong reasons.
I’d quit my job, with the support of my mum who would not let me work one more shift in case I imploded and left this life for good.
Tomorrow is my last day at work. I’ve been given meds. Things will be okay…
We go home. Okay, let’s go the gym. I’ll see her after the gym and we will have cuddles tonight.
Then there’s screams and tears and I run downstairs.
And we don’t know what’s going on. And I panic. And I have a panic attack. And Mum tells me to stop it.
If I could stop it I would.
And I pick her up in my arms and I try to calm her down.
And I carry her to the car.
And she sits with me, lays down on my lap.
I have no emotions. This isn’t real.
And we arrive. She is taken away.
He says it will be fine, probably a broken leg. Worst comes to worst, it needs amputating.
Oh god. Amputation.
I would have taken that any day.
And then we have to leave.
And I tell her I love her but it’s fine because I’ll see her tomorrow.
So I give her a kiss and I leave.
I would have done so much more if I knew.
And she watches me walk away.
And her last memory of me is me walking away. Leaving her.
3rd June. 7am.
I wake up, emotionless, grey and dull. I pick up her blanket and give it to my mum.
“Give this to her so she feels better and can smell her home”
She nods and takes it.
And I go to work. It’s my last shift.
And I tell my co-workers what’s happened and they pout and ‘aw’.
And I keep thinking about seeing her after my shift. No more work.
Cuddles and bed with her.
And the clock strikes 9am. I’ve only been there an hour and a half.
And my mum appears round the back.
And her eyes are red. Her face is grey.
And I open the door.
And she shakes her head.
And she cries.
and I cry.
and I breakdown.
And everyone surrounds me and everyone panics.
And I run to the car and I climb in.
And I panic again.
We arrive home.
And the door is opened for me.
And I run in.
There she is.
She is so peaceful and quiet.
No longer in pain.
Her eyes are open and hazy.
Her paws are bloody and messy.
Her fur smells and is matted.
And I scream and I hug her and I kiss her and I beg her to wake up.
But she doesn’t.
And I cry until I have no tears left to shed anymore.
If every tear I cried could bring her back, she would be so full of life and then some.
She is laying on the blanket I gave to her.
She never got to see me. She went all alone. No one was there.
Her last memory of me was me leaving. And now she doesn’t know I am here.
And my world is gone.
and she was a cat.
Just a cat, right?
but she was my baby.
And when your world is taken away from you just like that, you don’t feel like you can go on.
And people share their ignorant and irrelevant points with me.
This post is not for pity. It is for those people who needs some tips.
Don’t give your opinion to someone who doesn’t need it.
Don’t make someone feel like they are being stupid over something you have no idea about.
Don’t tell someone how to feel.
Keep your negative words to yourself.
To you it is an animal. To me she was my baby.
Never underestimate what someone goes through.